We all come to a point more than once in our life, when we reflect, wonder, ponder what it is that we really want? What do we desire from our relationships, from our life's work, from experiences ? These questions come into mind often. What doesn't happen for many, too many unfortunately, is going deeper with those thoughts and actually ever adjusting to align with the answers now. Of course what you wanted when you were 15 is different than when you are 27, 32 or 45 and 57. Doing an audit on what you want now, what you are after now, what you want to feel, experience and accomplish will change. Understanding where you are now and aligning yourself with those actions needed is the deeper and continuous task for a fulfilled life. So how can you check in with yourself and audit where you may need alignment ? Here are some questions to answer for yourself. Take time to get to know the answers that come up for you, then take one step towards what you are truly after now.
Before you ask the following, check in with yourself around accepting where you are now, in this current moment. Accept where you are now simply as it is, but it doesn't always have to be. Get curious about what YOU want now; not what parents want, the world expects, or who you think you might disappoint. Relax into the answers that feel honest to you right now.
Ask yourself and work through these steps:
What 1-2 standard am I hanging onto that tells me, I am good enough?
For example: Being a good friend means showing up all the time to help, support others.
How do I feel when not living up to that standard?
Following the same example: I feel like I disappointed others, like I won't be counted on or trusted, like I am failing others.
What are some sacrifices I make when trying to live up to these standards?
I often put myself last, I feel resentful, I lack boundaries, I expect others to read my mind, I make others more important, I get more tired.
Do I want to stay captive to this standard now that I have revealed how I feel and the sacrifices I make for this standard? If No (and with some standards, you may decide Yes) then ask:
What do I want to experience instead?
What action step can I take to align this value (standard) into my life now?
Example answer: I want to feel comfortable setting boundaries, I want to have relationships that value similar expectations around friendships, I want to be free to be myself and feel loved and respected even when boundaries are set.
The action steps for this example might be:
Share my needs and boundaries with 1-2 close friends
Remind myself to only say 'yes' to requests when it is also a 'yes' for me.
Give gratitude now for those relationships that have this value (standard)
Now choose & give energy to those friendships that share this value.
Other examples of standards or Values that come into play for some are around diet, social situations, work and career, romantic and professional relationships and parenting styles.
As we change, and especially as we are more and more independent from our family of origin; we notice differences and values that really were never ours. Our Values naturally come with the family we are in. It is normal to question and reevaluate what works for us now in this moment in time. If you are 45 and younger; you will change many times. Do an audit to see where you might need an alignment.
If these questions feel like too much of a deep dive, and you feel stuck; try this:
List all the feelings you want to experience in life. What does being happy, satisfied or peaceful in your life feel and look like? What feelings in life do you have now that you want to experience more of? Then, when faced with a decision; ask what possible feelings you might have if you say yes and if you say no; then decide which aligns with what you are truly after right now.
If you are interested in learning more about getting clarity; I invite you to reach out.
Much love, Kel