I have never publicly shared this moment. It is the moment I knew things were gonna get real scary. I hoped it would go differently, but I knew deep inside, it was going to be a pivotal hard moment; that everything would change. I have processed this moment with a few close to me and with my therapist at the time, so I am good, no I am Great. That said, even starting to write this puts me a bit back into that moment.
Before I continue, this blog is for information only; and is not advice on how you should handle an abusive relationship. This blog is an account of my own personal experience and while I do not believe it is healthy to avoid all triggers, I do feel strongly that you know what is in this article so you can decide if you continue to read, and use coping skills. I also fully know that men also are in abusive relationships. If you are in an abusive relationship, your number one responsibility and focus is on your safety and the safety of any children involved. DO NOT leave an abusive relationship without some support or guidance from a professional. Okay, here it goes. This article contains an experience in an emotionally/psychologically abusive romantic relationship.
For many months, maybe even a year, time is blurry in abuse; I would drive home from work with anxiety. I worked later, stalled leaving, took more scenic routes home, ran more errands after work and as months passed, the anxiety turned to panic attacks. Those panic attacks were essentially yells from my body to pay attention. I started noticeably seeing my hands shake on the steering wheel, my legs shake on the gas pedal. I would not remember passing common landmark areas on regular routes, sometimes not knowing when or how I got to a stop sign. I had people honk because I was at a stop too long. My heart raced, my neck hurt, my throat sore, my stomach ached. I had moments where I had to pull over. If you have had a panic attack, you get it.
On one fall evening, I heard this "What are you doing? This has to stop, tell him what has to change and accept the answer and act". It was me, my voice, my inner knowing and I would even say it was a higher power because what followed was surely an act beyond my full control.
You see for months, when I would get home, my partner would be so drunk, they were either passed out on the couch, mean, avoidant, and refused to do anything to help themselves or all of the above. I never knew what I would come home to. At the end; it was more meanness, but it started with someone who was fun and adventurous. I had no idea this was part of their history until later. In fact I had worked hard not to continue choosing partners who had certain behaviors. I tried everything one does in this situation. There was a cycle that was being repeated; by them and by me. I noticed months prior to this, I was falling back into unhealthy cycles, and how I had been 'tricked' and I felt ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed and angry. I discovered lies, cheating and experienced intense gas lighting regularly; although I was just learning what it was. The person who presented to me as once fun, adventurous, kind and charming; was now mean, distant, extremely unkind and dishonest. Although, later I was able to see that the dishonesty was just something I refused to see because I wanted it to be different than it really was. I found myself covering up for them, trying to help them make connections to me and to others they loved, begging to go to counseling and AA, feeling like I was going crazy and I couldn't believe I was here again!!! I was too old for this drama and how did I let myself be so fooled. I confided in my adult daughter. I went back to counseling, but even there it took me awhile before I disclosed everything that was actually happening.
Unless you have experienced it yourself, its very hard for people to understand the toll it takes on someone who is gas lighted so intensely and consistently. The toll of the emotional warfare, the love bombing and the name calling. You stay for the great moments and hope the evil moments will go away, never to return or that they don't last as long.
On this final drive to this home, on this fall evening; when I heard that voice; I decided to confront my partner with my boundaries and what I wanted. I realized real quickly that doing this while they were intoxicated was not a good idea, but thankfully I was physically okay, but at the time I could not have known that; so I do not recommend you ever confront a person who is under the influence with something that will be difficult.
When I walked in, my partner was on the couch, passed out, with large beers all around them. I put my things down, sat on the coffee table , nudge them and softly said, "we need to talk". They replied "talk". I shared that I no longer could live like this, that I could no longer go on quietly supporting this way they were treating themselves and me. I told them that I would happily go to counseling , I would join them at AA, I would support movement for getting help and changing, and that if they were not ready for that, I would be ending the relationship. The response was "Go then, leave, get out of here". I was mad, hurt and yet as I stated earlier, I honestly knew this was going to be the response. We went back and forth about who would leave because I was paying all the bills and I needed time to find a place. Things escalated and he got more upset, my things were thrown outside and (while I am not getting into every detail and many hours passed) I ended up calling for help. What happened next was so fast and so unbelievable I still am in awe at how everything worked out.
I made one call to my adult daughter and one of my adult sons; in less than an hour, 10 people, 3 trucks and 2 cars were moving me out and getting me to safety. My partner had passed out on the back porch and only woke at the end to myself and one son telling him to sober up and stay away from me. From the time I was off of work that evening to only and hour or so after the sun had set that same evening, my life completely changed, I was completely in shock, rocked, sad, hurt, torn up and I felt so loved by those that showed up for me at a moments notice.
Here's the thing that still hits my heart; the embarrassment, judgement and shame I was afraid of; being a 40 something woman starting over after being "fooled again" (this was a common self thought) was not what I first felt when it all came crashing down and my family and friends came to help me; I felt loved and supported. I grappled with the shame and the disappointment in myself for months after and put my counseling sessions in high gear. You may have noticed my use of 'again' ; this is because this wasn't my first relationship that I chose that was unhealthy and abusive. I thought I had learned and done the work, and I had; that is still true. What I did was trust someone again AND ignored some early red flags. I didn't cause the abuse, that was not my fault; he is responsible for his actions, I am responsible for allowing it once I knew. I had more to learn and that doesn't negate the things I had already learned. In fact this relationship is one I am deeply grateful for; I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I am so grateful for it. It is why I do the work I do now, it is why I have so much understanding for others who experience something similar. It led me to studying narcissistic personality disorder and gas lighting. It has offered me the opportunity to use forgiveness again; I feel deeply saddened for this person's experiences that have hurt him and his ability to love himself and others in healthy ways.
The most important way I see this relationship gifted me is that it afforded me time; time to be available, time to heal and time for my now husband to be ready to meet me because we would not have been aligned to meet if we met before this relationship. AHHHH that still gives me goose bumps!
So here are my take-a-ways:
Once you know you need something different, trust yourself.
Ask for help
Listen to your body
Believe that life is working FOR you!
Mistakes are made, it's okay....this is part of the human experience.
You can start all over, even in your 40s, 50s, and beyond.
You can only make decisions based on what you know at the time, when you know something different, then you can decide differently.
Get professional help when needed.
IN abuse, SAFETY first. Those under the influence or that are mentally unstable should not be confronted or felt as if they are being cornered; I was fortunate and had support from others.
TRUST YOURSELF !
If you or someone you know is in need of support around abusive relationships, please reach out for help. Here are some hotlines; you can remain anonymous.
Call: 800-799-7233
Text BEGIN to 88788
Links to more about what I do and some quizzes:
Image by: engin akyurt
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