The Practice of Checking In

The Practice of Checking In

How often do you have a thought about a situation or person and it turns into a whole story? It turns into a whole belief where you begin to add meaning to thoughts.

You see something on social media or you are at a work party or family gathering and someone shares something, or is quiet or says something in passing .......then you begin to think about that, wonder if it was meant for you, wonder if you did something, wonder why they treat you like that and down the spiral you go. The more you try to understand this belief that you have created by giving meaning to a thought, the bigger, stronger and more detailed the story becomes. Is this familiar? Sometimes this is called ruminating or intrusive thoughts. I would like to offer a flow rather than force method of dealing with this.

When we experience intrusive or distortive thinking; we feel twisted inside; try this:

• Allow flow, Accept the thought.

• Get Curious with thoughts, avoid judgment of self or any meaning the thought is being given.

• GROUND yourself; do this with breath work, meditation, walking, bare feet on the earth,

• Notice the thoughts/meanings as waves or wind coming and going, just allow without pushing away or giving more meaning, just letting them be there.

• Ground and stay until you can feel it passing and losing it's grip on you, avoid distraction or avoidance of any feelings, go ahead and feel but do so with softness, compassion and care like you would a small child letting them regulate, just be present with yourself.

  Once Grounded:

• Challenge the meaning you put to the thoughts; gently by being curious asking; "what evidence is there of this meaning/belief?" , "What is the feeling under the belief?" , "have I felt this before?" , "What other possibilities are there to this story?" , "Am I feeling fear? hurt? uncertainty? tired? disconnected?" , "What do I need to take care of myself at this moment?", "who can I get support from?". * ask one or two questions, AND if this part feels too much...... skip the challenge for now and let the thoughts pass by grounding until they do.

• Get it out, release..... Write, talk, sweat, cry it out.

• Check in with yourself, use grounding and compassion here. If there is still a feeling of uncertainty or incompleteness, check in with the person(s) this is concerning (if safe emotionally and physically)

  • Check in with others by using "I" statements: "I notice, I feel, I would like clarification ______"

  • Most often, it is something going on with the other person and not about you at all, except for how you interpreted. Other times, the other person may deny or deflect in which you cannot control or change that; the goal is for you to speak to your experience and ask the question. In those times when there is more to resolve or repair, then this will open the door to that repair rather than it building up and never getting resolved and harming the relationship.

The practice of Checking In begins with you, and if needed with others. We don't like to do this because it is uncomfortable, uncertain of outcome and feels very vulnerable. The alternative however is feeling unregulated, disconnected and creates relationships where we walk on egg-shells; that is harmful to all involved and creates pain. Another possibility for getting stuck in intrusive thinking is that humans are always looking for evidence of of our limiting and old belief systems; for example: If I think "they or nobody gets or likes me", then I am going to look for (unconsciously) situations, language, facial expressions, body language, evidence that confirms that belief.

Additionally, when we are stressed, tired, overwhelmed or have not obtained the skill to be more self aware; we are more readily going to hold anger and sadness; those emotions are universal and right at the surface from our early years. While those are unpleasant, they feel oddly enough safer and more recognizable. Under those surface feelings is loneliness, fear and rejection. Once we can identify the deeper feeling, we can get to understanding our needs. Our needs may be connection self or others, rest, disconnection from stress, nutrition, hydration, and doing something that puts us into regulation.

I hope this feels supportive to you and that the next time those pesky intrusive thoughts come up you will give this a try.

much love,

Kel