Cautionary note: this is a share regarding an abusive relationship and may bring up uncomfortable feelings for some audiences. No violence is depicted in this writing. This is an emotional account with a happy ending.
We were laughing about something so silly, the way one of us had pronounced a word. We just kept repeating it, or trying to because you know that laughter that makes you laugh so much you cannot speak so you laugh some more, holding your tummy and kicking your feet with tears falling and your side aching because you are laughing so hard, ya that kind of laughing. We were doing that. As we calmed our giggles and kissed good night, I laid my head on my pillow and thought; remember all those nights you cried yourself to sleep. I jumped out of bed to write this down, because I wanted to be sure I could articulate it, share it the way it was coming to me so quickly, the enormous awareness of where I had been, what I had experienced and where I am now, laughing myself silly when once for days, weeks, years; I spent crying myself to sleep.
Have you ever had to muffle the sound of your cry, hide your tears, hold in your heart ache; if you have, you know what I mean when I say being next to someone; inches away from you in those moments feels more lonely than anything; being ignored, having your cry unacknowledged or being afraid that what if they were acknowledged; that is loneliness, a loneliness of your soul. What about pretending you were asleep for fear of not knowing what mood someone was in or that you couldn’t possibly fake being okay another second and he would surely see it in your eyes. He would see in your eyes the desire to be set free, to need to be released, to try to find the courage one more time, to start over one more time, to escape one more time. And if he saw it, what would he do; both possibilities are terrifying; begging you for more time and chances or letting you go; both were not what you wanted, not why you stayed so long, not why you had tried so hard; sacrificing yourself, hoping for more good moments or even the next to get to you through the next wave of misery. Buying just a little more time for change, a revelation from him to see what could be, what was promised, what used to be (or so you thought, or so you believed the act). All the while knowing damn well you are fooling yourself, it won’t be different, it’s groundhog's day in hell Kel, get out!!!
That knowing inside gets so loud, you cannot ignore it. So I, maybe you too, got out and now for me I find myself writing this to you, or for me as my own revelation of WOW, look where I was and now look where I am; freely laughing that gut laugh; not afraid anymore. I used to cry myself to sleep, now I laugh before I fall asleep; being fully acknowledged for me.
What I know for sure is that whether you stay or leave, it's all courageous , it's all hard.... much love, Kel
If you or someone you know are in an abusive relationship, reach out to National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788