When they are born, your heart instantly lives outside you.
You Never again rest without a bit of worry for them.
You no longer consider yourself first, even when you try to.
You act stronger than you really are.
You fight off fear regularly.
You plead with God to watch over them.
Okay mom , now I get it.
When they head off to school, you hope others will care even a fraction for them as you do.
You teach independence and it feels like they will always need more help.
You fight back anger and try to reason when they have to learn hard things on their own.
You again plead with God to watch over them.
You want them to make it in the way the world says they need to
You want them to be happy and be their own person, but also to have friends and fit in.
You ache with them when their heart hurts.
You wish you could take away their pain, and simultaneously know they need to go through it.
You wish the world was more fair, more kind, more gentle and yet there is nothing you can do.
You cling to them, even through "I hate you's" and slammed doors.
You simultaneously wish time would slow down but that teen years would be over.
You plead more for God to watch over them.
Okay mom, now I get it.
When they leave home, a chunk of your heart leaves with them.
You think you will never understand who you are without them.
You miss them more than you ever imagined possible, nobody ever told you about this part, this grief.
You put on a brave face, make sure your voice is positive and uplifting in all the calls.
You act stronger than you really are or feel.
You sit in their empty room.
You wish they would call more.
You remind yourself that they are the independent kid you so wanted them to be, but still there is pain.
You remind them to make good choices, they roll their eyes,
You try to fall asleep wondering what they are doing, if they are safe.
You begin to discover who you are outside of them.
You plead with God to watch over them.
Okay mom, now I get it.
When they start their own family, you watch in awe that this was once your small baby.
You feel as if you are watching a movie, how can this be that baby who needed you so?
You feel excited and you feel the loss as they are another step farther from you.
You notice things that mirror where you succeeded as a parent and where you fell short.
You have to remind yourself often that this is their life, it's their time.
You laugh differently with this fully grown human, You love with the same intensity.
You see a friend in your once baby.
You share part of yourself now with their spouse, nobody ever told you about that part either.
You no longer are their first person to talk to when needing help.
You did raise that independent person remember, that's what you remind yourself again.
You see yourself becoming more and more irrelevant, time goes by faster.
You act stronger than you really are, because it's not about you.
You plead with God to watch over them and now also those precious grandchildren.
You now lay awake and have bits of worry about all of them.
You remind yourself about the cycle of life and how one day they too will think
Okay mom, now I get it.
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I am so very grateful for my independent, adult children and their spouses and my grandchildren. This part of the journey of being a mom is only a glimpse of one aspect of my journey and the very hard and also natural ways of aging. This is to honor them of course, I am very proud of them. More so though this is to honor my mom, my grandmother, my daughter, my daughter in laws, and all the moms out there that maybe don't speak to the pain of being a mom, to aging and beginning to see what the world may look like without you in it. I would value you sharing your thoughts in the comments if this resonated with you.
Thank you,
Kellie
